My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
We need a shit load of segways right now
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
