all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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