You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Randomize
