im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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