1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
