Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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