They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
