just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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