Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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