I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
