You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
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Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
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I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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