3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
