Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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