I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
