I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Randomize
