if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
