Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
