she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
