Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
