They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
