wakey wakey hands off snakey
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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