I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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