You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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