Pants 0. Shit 1.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
