THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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