No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You are the jesus of drinking
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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