I'm gonna have a badass scar
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
