So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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