ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Slut skills are useful in every country.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
