Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
