I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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