Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo