why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.