You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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