and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex