I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Randomize
