The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
