Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
