If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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