does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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