I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
