you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
