I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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