I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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