i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
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