Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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