i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
