Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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