wakey wakey hands off snakey
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
