apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
