mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
