why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
