Princesses don't give blow jobs
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
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I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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