Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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