Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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