this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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