oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
